After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. Male Procedure: Drive up to the cash machine. Put down your car window. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. Put window up. Drive off. Female Procedure: Drive up to cash machine. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card. Re-insert card the right way. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. Enter PIN. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. Enter amount of cash required. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror. Retrieve cash and receipt Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. Re-check makeup. Drive forward 2 feet. Reverse back to cash machine. Retrieve card. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Restart stalled engine and pull off. Redial person on cell phone. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. Release Parking Brake.
I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."
Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......." And his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, and then tell me the story." At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again. "Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."
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