Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "I feel his pain! I don't think so." The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "Not for me." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet." He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."
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