A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A Love Story I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and control you. I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan. I will make you beg for mercy. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you. And you will be weak for days. All my love, The Flu
The Year's Most Idiotic Political Quotes: 25. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." President George W. Bush, in an interview with the Jerusalem Post, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008 24. "I've now been in 57 states I think one left to go." Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon, May 9, 2008 23. "[T]hey're in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom." Sarah Palin, getting the vice president's constitutional role wrong after being asked by a third grader what the vice president does, interview with NBC affiliate KUSA in Colorado, Oct. 21, 2008 22. "There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one." John McCain, referring to Barack Obama during the second presidential debate, Nashville, Tennessee, Oct. 7, 2008 21. "Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya." Joe Biden, to Missouri state Sen. Chuck Graham, who is in a wheelchair, Columbia, Missouri, Sept. 12, 2008 20. "When I was in college, we used to take a popcorn popper, because that was the only thing they would let us use in the dorm, and we would fry squirrels in a popcorn popper in the dorm room." Mick Huckabee, interview on MSNBC's "Morning Joe," Jan. 16, 2008 19. "See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off." Jesse Jackson, caught on an open mic whispering to a colleague about Barack Obama, whom he was criticizing for lecturing African Americans about taking more responsibility for raising children, July 6, 2008 18. "We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California." Hillary Clinton, rejecting calls for her to drop out of the Democratic presidential race, citing the 1968 assassination of Robert F. Kennedy as evidence that the lengthy Democratic nominating process was not unprecedented, interview with the editorial board of South Dakota's Sioux Falls Argus-Leader, May 23, 2008 17. "I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody." Barack Obama, defending his tax plan to Joe the Plumber, who argued that Obama's policy hurts small-business owners like himself, Toledo, Ohio, Oct. 12, 2008 16. (tie) "So?" Vice President Dick Cheney, responding to an ABC News correspondent who cited a poll showing that most Americans do not believe the Iraq War was worth fighting, March 19, 2008 And: "So what?" President Bush, responding to a an ABC News correspondent who pointed out that Al Qaeda wasn't a threat in Iraq until after the U.S. invaded, Dec. 14, 2008 15. "For the first time in my adult lifetime I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change." Michelle Obama, Madison, Wisconsin, Feb. 18, 2008 14. "You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately. And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more than the fact that Western Pennsylvania is the most patriotic, most god-loving, most, most patriotic part of America, and this is a great part of the country." John McCain, Moon Township, Penn., Oct. 21, 2008 13. "Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me." John McCain, to a questioner who asked if he supported President Bush's vision for keeping U.S. troops in Iraq for 50 years, Derry, New Hampshire, Jan. 3, 2008 12. "We have sort of become a nation of whiners." McCain economic adviser Phil Gramm, on worries about the slumping economy, adding that the current downturn is a "mental recession," Washington Times interview, July 9, 2008 11. "Can I explain to you what happened? First of all it happened during a period after she was in remission from cancer." former Sen. John Edwards, on cheating on his wife, ABC News interview, Aug. 8, 2008 10. "I think I'll have my staff get to you. It's condominiums where I'll have them get to you." John McCain after being asked how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own, interview with Politico, Las Cruces, N.M., Aug. 20, 2008 9. "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me." Joe Biden, speaking at a town hall meeting in Nashua, New Hampshire, Sept. 10, 2008 8. "We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. ... We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation." Sarah Palin, speaking at a fundraiser in Greensoboro, N.C., Oct. 16, 2008 7. "Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter." President George W. Bush, in parting words to British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and French President Nicolas Sarkozy at his final G-8 Summit, punching the air and grinning widely as the two leaders looked on in shock, Rusutsu, Japan, July 10, 2008 6. "It's not surprising, then, they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations." Barack Obama, speaking at a San Francisco fundraiser about his troubles winning over some small-town, working-class voters, April 11, 2008 5. "Well, let's see. There's of course in the great history of America there have been rulings that there's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade, where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So, you know, going through the history of America, there would be others but " Sarah Palin, unable to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with other than Roe vs. Wade, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008 4. "I remember landing under sniper fire. There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base." Hillary Clinton on visiting Bosnia in 1996, contradicting other accounts that said there was no threat of gunfire. Clinton later said she "misspoke" 3. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience, interview with CBS's Katie Couric, Sept. 24, 2008 2. "I'm just not giving it up for f***in' nothing. I'm not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there." ... "Give this motherf****r Obama his senator? F**k him. For nothing. F**k him.'" Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, recorded in a federal wiretap trying to sell Barack Obama's Senate seat. The day before his arrest, he invited authorities to tape his conversations, saying there is "nothing but sunshine hanging over me." 1. "Our economy, I think, is still the fundamentals of our economy are strong." John McCain, Jacksonville, Fla., Sept. 15, 2008
... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why. ... Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. ... Commercials. You can't believe a word they say. ... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. ... Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. ... Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature. ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. ... Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small. ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while. ... Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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