Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print belong to you and contain your food. The rest of the dishes belong to me and contain my food. Please note, if you put a paw print in the middle of my plate or food, that does not stake a claim for it. It is still mine. I also do not find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. NASCAR did not design the stairway. It is not a racetrack. Trying to beat me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me will not help you win because I will fall faster than you can run. A king-sized bed is the largest that is made. I cannot get anything bigger. I am sorry about this. Do not expect me to continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats are capable of curling into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular next to each other and stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Sticking your tail out straight and hanging your tongue out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I manage to beat you there and get the door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, claw, try to turn to doorknob, or squeeze your paw under the door to try to pull it open. I have to exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years -- feline or canine attendance is not required.
A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that. "Why," asked the little girl. "Because its dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs." The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?" Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy." The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. "I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!" "Yup," said the mom.
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up." After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked. "No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer. So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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