On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Dont forget the coffee!"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thats not surprising," the elders say. "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here."
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. Male Procedure: Drive up to the cash machine. Put down your car window. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. Put window up. Drive off. Female Procedure: Drive up to cash machine. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into machine. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. Insert card. Re-insert card the right way. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. Enter PIN. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. Enter amount of cash required. Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror. Retrieve cash and receipt Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. Re-check makeup. Drive forward 2 feet. Reverse back to cash machine. Retrieve card. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you Restart stalled engine and pull off. Redial person on cell phone. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. Release Parking Brake.
I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
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