Even though Im well into my 30s I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time. Its punishment for skipping a day of school, he explained. But why are you still doing your folks yard? Because I once cut a class when I was your age, I said, trying to keep a straight face. Im told hes had perfect attendance ever since.
Two men met in heaven and struck up a conversation.How did you die the first man asked? i froze to death, the second answered. To which the first man asked again, how does it feel do freeze to death? At first it was extremely cold, then afterwards i lost all feeling and i died. By the way how did you die? the second man asked, i had a heart attack, you see i had long suspected my wife of cheating on me, so one day i came home unexpectedly and knew i had finally found her in the act. I run to the back of the house and found no one, then i came back in and while i was going upstairs to check in the attic i had a heart attack and died. That's ironical said the second man, if you had just stopped to check in the fridge, we would both still be alive!!
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts: 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. 'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?' 'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.' 'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.' 'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.' 'Well, screw him!' said John. 'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.' The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't. He just walked in the door.'
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