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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 20:18 28 Thu Mar 2024

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  • 126 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. "God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

    2009/08/02 00:48 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 127 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

    2009/08/02 00:48 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 128 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

    2009/08/02 00:48 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 129 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep.

    2009/08/02 00:48 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 130 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell me and the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

    2009/08/02 00:48 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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