A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Chicagoan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Chicagoan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club." One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt. Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....then the banker in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor". "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly. "What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor. "Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!" "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly. "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
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