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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 01:05 29 Fri Mar 2024

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  • 176 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery. He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest, " Father, what causes arthritis?" "Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whisky and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does.

    2009/08/02 00:49 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 177 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

    2009/08/02 00:49 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 178 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

    2009/08/02 00:49 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 179 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half" .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens .... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES!!! But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........ You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone. Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it!!!! So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday .... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one. And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

    2009/08/02 00:49 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 180 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Question: What is the true definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal..... That, my friend, is Globalization!

    2009/08/02 00:49 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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