A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man: How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you". For example: Do say: would you please take out the garbage? Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid? Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night? Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising?? Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends? Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves. Do say: would you take me to a movie this week? Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it. Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more? Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes. Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy? Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!! Do say: would you like to take a vacation? Do not say: could you move out? Do say: would you get out of my life? Do not say: could you get out of my life? Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
THE FEMALE RULES: 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
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