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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 16:34 28 Thu Mar 2024

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  • 331 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half... The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

    2009/08/02 00:53 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 332 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down) What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

    2009/08/02 00:53 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 333 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    What is a cat? - Cats do what they want. - They rarely listen to you. - They are totally unpredictable. - When you want to play, they want to be alone. - When you want to be alone, they want to play. - They expect you to cater to their every whim. - They are moody. - They leave hair everywhere. - They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. What is a dog? - Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. - They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room. - They growl when they are not happy. - When you want to play, they want to play. - When you want to be alone, they want to play. - They are great at begging. - They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. - They leave their toys everywhere. - They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. - Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats

    2009/08/02 00:53 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 334 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?" She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him. "How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?" The little girl says, "Republicans." Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl; it's really cute." They approach the little girl. Bush greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies, "Democrats" Abashed, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!" "I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

    2009/08/02 00:53 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 335 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw . 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10 . Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How To Give A Dog A Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon. 2. Toss it in the air.

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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