Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please? Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately! Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you? Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser! Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser. Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now! (Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself) Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located? Female Customer: In Netscape! Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be? Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow! Tech: The one right above the Net Search button? Female Customer: Yes that one! Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address. Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses! Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet? Female Customer: Just me and my husband! (Several seconds of silence pass ... Hey! I wasn't going to say it!) Female Customer: ........ oh ............. OOOH! ... Thank you. (She quickly hung up)
1. Viruses are free. 2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive. 3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM. 4. Viruses don't have major bugs. 5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation. 6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp. 7. Viruses aren't on every computer. 8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32... 9. Viruses install themselves !
This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous Email virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles . It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
We're in the wrong business --------------------------- --------------------------- Drug dealers Software developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM," "Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market 14- to 25-year-old market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by the industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
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