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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 08:50 29 Fri Mar 2024

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  • 351 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left. A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on the TV. "She's a horse's ass too," he said. A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and knocked him off his stool. "Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 352 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Old Friend sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Old Friend: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Old Friend: extreme look of shock Cowboy: " Is this man your owner?" pointing at Old Friend. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Old Friend: look of disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Old Friend: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Old Friend: extreme look of shock Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Old Friend. Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Old Friend: total look of amazement Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Old Friend: "Sheep Lie."

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 353 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young cowboy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 354 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early". Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 355 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    "Wanted: Any evidence suggesting the existence of unicorns, fairies, Gargoyles, good men, or any other mythical or fantasy creatures."

    2009/08/02 00:54 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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