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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 10:11 29 Fri Mar 2024

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  • 391 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks........this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. .... In one second the sharp lime taste hits... .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. .....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

    2009/08/02 00:55 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 392 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

    2009/08/02 00:55 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 393 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. "My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    2009/08/02 00:55 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 394 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    One Star Hangover (*) No pain, no real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink five sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a Philly sub and steak fries. Two Star Hangover (**) No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. Three Star Hangover (***) Slight headache, stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once. Four Star Hangover (****) Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, (for the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm and the first of about five craps you take during the day makes the eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom. Five Star Hangover, (*****) You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now

    2009/08/02 00:55 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 395 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    While shopping in a food store , two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section... One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

    2009/08/02 00:55 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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