A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please." Intrigued, the man said, "OK." The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc... The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest football scores,and what to expect the Colorado Rockies to do this season. The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned. Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man answered, " Oh.....about 50." The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-Y?"
Dear Abby My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed .. Clueless Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States... Act like one!
For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version. Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were: 1. The invention of beer, and 2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor (Reagan excepted), and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals...just to piss them off.
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument for Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D. C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. Thank you, Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee P. S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.
On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States, Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?" "That's easy," the Queen replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors." "But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" asked Bill. You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queensaid, "I have a riddle for you." "Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?" Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me." "Very good," said the Queen. "You may go now." Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting with the Queen, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child?" Hillary replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?" "Yes," said Bill, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer." So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting, she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama. So she said, "Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's seems pretty easy," said Obama, "I think the child would be me." "Oh thank you," said Hillary. "You may just have ensured my nomination as the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States!" So Hillary went back to Bill and said, "I think I know the answer to your riddle." "The child was Barack Obama!" "No, you dummy!" shouted Bill. "The child was Tony Blair"
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