A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks) 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (please check only one answer) (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
It was early spring in British Columbia A Frenchman hired three Indians to do some tracking for him while he hunted bear. A few hours into the trip through the mountains they came upon a cave and all stopped. One of the Indians steps forward and yells, "WOO-WOOO!" There was a similar response from in the cave. He then tore all his clothes off and ran into the cave. Another couple of hours goes by, another cave. They all stop. The second Indian yells "WOO-WOOO!" And again "woo-wooo!" was heard from the cave. He rips off his clothes and darts into the cave. Now the Frenchman was very curious and asks "What da devil is going on???" The third Indian explains, "It Indian mating season. When you give mating call and it returned mean available female in cave." A little while later, a third cave, a third call, a third response. The clothes are off, the Indian is gone. "Well dare ain't gonna be no huntin now" the Frenchman thinks to himself. So along the trail the Frenchman sees a big cave and goes "WOO-WOOO!" No response "WOO-WOOO!"... Hesitation... Then "woo-wooooo!" From in the cave. The Frenchman rips off all his clothes and runs full speed into the cave. The next day in the Vancover Times, headlines read: NAKED FRENCHMAN KILLED BY TRAIN
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed. Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!" before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief. He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted, "Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old, remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis is OK." "Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!" Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre! This is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!" To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!" Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
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