A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
* Free dinners. * You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact. * Speeding ticket? What's that? * You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports. * If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being. * A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. * In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned. * If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud. * If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling. * If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup. * If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser. * You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. * Brad Pitt. * You don't have to fart to amuse yourself. * You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers. * When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out. * If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him. * If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him. * If you don't shave, no one will know. * If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. * You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. * You can dress yourself. * Your hair is yours to keep. * If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic. * You don't have to pretend to like cigars. * You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything. * If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot. * You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV. * You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings. * If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty. * Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need. * Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth. * When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing. * Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems. * If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it. * You'll never regret piercing your ears. * You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes. * You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra. * You don't have hair on your back. * If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants. * You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. * If you have big ears, no one has to know. * You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny. * You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.
* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. * Taxis stop for us. * We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. * No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. * We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. * If we forget to shave, no one has to know. * We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. * We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. * We have the ability to dress ourselves. * We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. * If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. * There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. * We'll never regret piercing our ears. * We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. * We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
'So many men, so few who can afford me.' 'Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.' 'Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.' 'Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?' 'And your point is?' 'Next mood swing: 6 minutes.' 'If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.'
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs." The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."
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