A man's driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"
A litle old Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know as soon as I get home," said the little old Amish lady. "That's fine," said the officer. "Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the little old Amish lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, what exactly did he say?" said the husband. "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I'm not sure," said the little old Amish lady, "something about the emergency brake...."
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?" The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it." "Where would you get the torpedo?" "The same place you got your battleship!"
Entry level position: You'll be making minimum wage. Entry level position in an up-and-coming company: You'll be making minimum wage; we'll be bankrupt in a year. Profit sharing plan: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. Nationally recognized leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. Immediate opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. Casual work atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up, although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Competitive environment: We have a lot of turnover. Must be deadline oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend. Flexible hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control. College degree preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Social Work. Career minded: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). Apply in person: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. Problem solving skills a must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
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