I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft Office. My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes. I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunchroom. I have a sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. I'm extremely professional: I carry a Day-Timer. My background and skills match your requirements: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot. I am on the go: I'm never at my desk. I'm highly motivated to succeed: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. I have formal training: I'm a college dropout. I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment. Thank you for your time and consideration: Wait! Don't throw me away!
Take the prospective employee and put him in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave him alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what he is doing. If he has taken the table apart, put him in Engineering. If he is counting the butts in the ashtray, assign him to Finance. If he is waving his arms and talking out loud, send him to Consulting. If he is talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for him. If he is sleeping, he is Management material. If he is writing up the experience, send him to the Technical Documentation team. If he doesn't even look up when you enter the room, assign him to Security. If he tries to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, put him into Marketing. If he is wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Software is his niche. If he mentions what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send him to Purchasing. If he mentions that hardwood furniture does not come from rainforests, Public Relations will suit him well.
A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage." "Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. Technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. A technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels. A customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes. A technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room. A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the "send" key. A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." A customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually. A technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. An exasperated caller to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Press Any Key. Press any key you like but I'm not moving. Press A Key. Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key. Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E... ... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem. Installing program to C:... ... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:windows and c:windowssystem where you'll NEVER find them. Not enough memory. I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K. Cannot read from drive D:... ...however, if you put the CD in right side up... Please Wait... ...indefinitely. Directory does not exist... ....any more. Woops. The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close. ....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.
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