One night, a man and his lady friend were about to enter his apartment, when, before he could open the door, she said, Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door. The man says, Well, give me some examples. The lady explains, Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and cant seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced, and that isnt for me either. Then she said, How do you unlock your door? The man answered, Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla sitting in a tree, staring back at him. He tried unsuccessfully to get the gorilla to leave, so he called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with: a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. Now listen carefully, the serviceman told the homeowner. Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for the privates of the animal, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs! Got it. the homeowner replied. But what's the shotgun for? If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, said the serviceman, shoot the Chihuahua.
One day a guy dies and winds up in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil Satan: Why so glum? Guy: Why do you think? Im in hell! Satan: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer, soft drinks, you name it! We drink till we throw up, and then we drink some more. And you dont have to worry about hangovers because youre dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancerno biggie, youre already dead, remember? Guy: Wow thats awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why, yes. As a matter of fact, I do. Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, and Kino. If you go bankrupt, youre dead anyway. What about drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You dont mean Satan: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crackor smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, youre dead, who cares?!?!?! Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No Satan: OooohYoure gonna HATE Fridays.
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They hit if off, and end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is littered with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears sit on a shelf near the floor, Medium sized bears are on the next shelf up, and huge bears line the top shelf. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have so prolific a collection of teddy bears, but he opts not to make mention of it. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it? The woman says, You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.
Jack was set to marry Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said Jack, let me tell you something: On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here, try these on. She tried on the pants and said, These just dont fit, to which I replied, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had a problem. Hmm, said Jack, thinking this might be worth a try. So, on his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, Here, try these on. Jill does so and says, These just dont fit, to which Jack replied, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I dont want you to ever forget that. So, Jill took off her pants, handed them to Jack and said, Here, you try on mine. Jack does so and says, I cant get into your pants, to which Jill replied, Exactly. And if you dont change your attitude, you never will.
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