Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And at that very moment, her ears fell off.
Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think." He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue."
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the greatness of the other. The telephone rings and, because it is the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation .. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi. So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great. Thanks and y'all have a good time. Okay? See ya when you get back in a couple of days. Love you, bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"? She replies, "That was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the Light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... You explain the kids."
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."
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