A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"
(True Story) Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company'.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding... Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI. Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove compartment when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: You have a gun in there? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!? The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation. Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure, Officer. Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in there? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun. Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there. Driver: No problem. The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire. Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!
Top Ten Statements of George W. Bush: 10) "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" January 29, 2000 (As opposed to less many?) 9) "The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law." November 22, 2000 (Talk about an efficient government, George W. has eliminated the duties of the appellate court in a single speech.) 8) "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." January 30, 2000 (Does George W. have plans he is not telling us?) 7) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." January 27, 2000 (Specially, when they won't stand still...) 6) "The government is not the surplus's money." November 5, 2000 (Obviously, English is not the president's language.) 5) "I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." September 19, 2000 (And, just when I thought I was real.) 4) "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" January 11, 2000 (Most people's grammar is simply too good to ask that question.) 3) "Our priorities is our faith." October 10, 2000 (Obviously, grammar is not.) 2) "The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money." September 13, 2000 (So tax cuts are designed to reduce our life span?) 1) "I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." October 11, 2000 (George W. is the first president to recognize the connection between racial profiling and the ability to read!)
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