More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots Stupid Counterfeiter Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. Here, Hold This A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. Now Watch This A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. No Nukes, Ya Hear? The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. All Aboard A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. My Book!!! Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. Escaped Convict A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Lie Detector Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. Intoxicated Robber When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. Tired of Walking A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer: Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things better left unsaid. Hey, you Must have been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? Hi Officer, Do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your but kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat filling out a crossword puzzle. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's doing a crossword puzzle." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch, smiled, and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!" The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!"
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