Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. No one answered. Finally a little Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776" The teacher was a little miffed that an exchange student would answer and her American students couldn't. So she tried again: "Four score and seven years ago..." and again no one answered until the little Japanese girl replied: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". Again the teacher was miffed. So the teacher gave a challenge, the next right answer would get the rest of the day off. "F&%# THE JAPS!" was yelled from the back of the room. "Who said that?!!" screamed the teacher. Little Johnny replied proudly, "Gen. Douglas McArthur, 1941. See you tomorrow!"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Johnny Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again. Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door. He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter: Jesus, I've got your mum. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike. You know who
This year, I resolve to... - Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. - Stop exercising. Waste of time. - Read less. Makes you think. - Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. - Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. - Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. - Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. - Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. - Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. - Not have eight children at once. - Get in a whole NEW rut! - Start being superstitious. - Personal goal: bring back disco. - Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings. - Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. - Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. - Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords. - Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. - Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. - Not eat cloned meat. - Create loose ends. - Get more toys. - Get further in debt. - Not believe politicians. - Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. - Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. - Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. - Stay off the International Space Station. - Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. - Associate with even worse business clients. - Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. - Wait around for opportunity. - Focus on the faults of others. - Mope about my faults. - Never make New Year's resolutions again.
RESOLUTION #1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year. 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year. 2004: I will read at least one article this year. 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year. RESOLUTION #2: 1999: I will get my weight down below 180. 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2003: I will work out 5 days a week. 2004: I will work out 3 days a week. 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week. RESOLUTION #3: 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000. 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001. 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006. RESOLUTION #4: 2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2003: I will not leave Marge. 2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. RESOLUTION #5: 2002: I will stop looking at other women. 2003: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2005: I will stop looking at other women. RESOLUTION #6: 2002: I will not let my boss push me around. 2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. RESOLUTION #7: 2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness. 2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee. 2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle. 2005: I will not speak to Charlie. RESOLUTION #8: 2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2004: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2005: I will not miss any AA meetings. RESOLUTION #9: 2002: I will see my dentist this year. 2003: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2004: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. RESOLUTION #10: 2002: I will go to church every Sunday. 2003: I will go to church as often as possible. 2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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