A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?" The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor." The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar. Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
A guy comes outta a bar one night and theres a cop sitting in the parking lot. The guy staggers a bit, fals down the stairs, gets up and walks over to his bike, gets on and tries to start it. The bike won't start and he realizes it isn't his bike afterall. He gets off it walks over gets on another one and tries to start it, nope not his either. He goes over to another one gets on and starts it up, and passes out. A bunch of his buddies and others from the bar start to leave, laugh as they pass the guy passed out on his bike. A few minutes later he wakes up and leaves the parking lot. Next thing theres sirens and lights and he's being pulled over by the cop from the parking lot. The cop tells him to get off his bike, so he does. The cop tells him to walk the yellow line and he does perfectly. The cop then gives him a breathalizer and it comes up zero. The cop looks at him and says, "Okay, I saw you come out staggering all over, fall down the stairs and get on the wrong bike 3 times and then pass out! How can you walk the line with no problems and blow a zero?" The guy replies, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
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