"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you. 1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one. 2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two. 3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on the computer for a while. 4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. 5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow. 6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tin foil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer 7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven. 8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too? YESSSS Scratch eight !! 9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs 10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer Scratch ten. 11). Fold laundry..... dang Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven. 12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work??? 13). Water the Christmas tree... Oop's!... good thing the carpet is absorbent. Scratch thirteen. 14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen. 15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time. 16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow". Scratch sixteen. 17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Man this is sooooo easy. Still time for some more puter and a nap..... Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly). Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask. Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do. This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.
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