Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, You know, I dont know what else to do Whenever I go home after weve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late! His buddy looks at him and says, Well, youre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, You as horny as I am? and she always acts like shes sound asleep!
A psychiatrist was conducting group therapy with four young mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions, the doctor observed. To the 1st mother, he said, You are obsessed with eating. Youve even named your daughter Candy. He looks to the 2nd mother, Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny. He looks to the 3rd mother. Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your childs name, Brandy. At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says Come on, Dick, were leaving!
Even though Im well into my 30s I still stop by my parents house to mow their lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same time. Its punishment for skipping a day of school, he explained. But why are you still doing your folks yard? Because I once cut a class when I was your age, I said, trying to keep a straight face. Im told hes had perfect attendance ever since.
Two men met in heaven and struck up a conversation.How did you die the first man asked? i froze to death, the second answered. To which the first man asked again, how does it feel do freeze to death? At first it was extremely cold, then afterwards i lost all feeling and i died. By the way how did you die? the second man asked, i had a heart attack, you see i had long suspected my wife of cheating on me, so one day i came home unexpectedly and knew i had finally found her in the act. I run to the back of the house and found no one, then i came back in and while i was going upstairs to check in the attic i had a heart attack and died. That's ironical said the second man, if you had just stopped to check in the fridge, we would both still be alive!!
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts: 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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