THE FEMALE RULES: 1. The Female always makes THE RULES. 2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice. 3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES. 5. The Female is never wrong. 6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any time. 9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female. 10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times. 14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said. 15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp. 16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim. 17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that?" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife." Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish (this happens all the time). He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen." "OK," the dude says, "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!" The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again..."
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochi coo?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.... The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie. But the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours, poochi poo?" she coos. She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours - chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc... "But sweet honey, at the bar, you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that," he meekly replies. She replies, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Here drink your fucking beer in your fucking frozen glass and eat your fucking shit hoer's de vours, because you aren't going anywhere, you fucking asshole!!"
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