* After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." * Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. * Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?" * Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. * Only moans during commercial breaks. * Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. * Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. * Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. * You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. * Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. * During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." * Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. * Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. * Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. * Keeps asking, "Are you sure you're not gay?" * Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating. * Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. * Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. * She yells out her own name. * Bangs her head on the headboard before you begin.
1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex. 2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner. 3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay. 4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature. 5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV. 6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity. 7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there. 8. Almost "forget" birth control. 9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed. 10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth. 11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room. 12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was. 13. Silence. Should you be worried? 14. You definitely should be worried, and you would be, if you weren't falling asleep. 15. You're jolted awake by your partner's fingers poking you in the ribs. Hard. 16. Apparently the sex is not over. While you are so exhausted that staying conscious seems like a miraculous physical feat, your partner is even more energetic and enthusiastic than before. Okay...batter up. 17. Wow. Partner definitely had orgasm. Make a mental note to remember the signs so you'll recognize them next time. 18. Finally, you can go to sleep. Can't you? No, you cannot. Seems partner actually has the impulse to talk. 19. Murmur at appropriate intervals. Hold partner close. Feel peaceful and content and loving and safe. 20. When partner's body finally relaxes against yours and you hear soft snores against your shoulder, pick up remote and turn on TV. Flip channels. Wait a minute, what was that? Bare thigh. Close-up of a kiss. No longer feel on the brink of blissful oblivion. In fact, feel instant and overwhelming desire for...sex. 21. Contemplate sleeping partner. Contemplate waking partner. Fantasize possibilities. Calculate probabilities. Keep on flipping.
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers, "7 come 11," all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says, "I know what you mean ... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, "Hit me light or hit me hard," and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The last guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
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