Two married Fellas, Jim and Alec were having a beer after work. Jim says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" said Alec. "Well, see the other day, instead of two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg" "Yeah, I know what you mean," said Alec. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "You bitch, you've ruined my life!!!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds "Wife Wanted". The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading the same thing: "You can have mine."
The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man: How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you". For example: Do say: would you please take out the garbage? Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid? Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night? Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising?? Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends? Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves. Do say: would you take me to a movie this week? Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it. Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more? Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes. Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy? Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!! Do say: would you like to take a vacation? Do not say: could you move out? Do say: would you get out of my life? Do not say: could you get out of my life? Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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