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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - * - 1 » 22:03 28 Thu Mar 2024

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  • 231 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith says, "What do you mean?" The receptionist replies, "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife." Mr Smith exclaims, "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?" The receptionist calmly replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her."

    2009/08/02 00:51 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 232 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish (this happens all the time). He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World. The Genie pales, and says, "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen." "OK," the dude says, "Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!" The Genie shakes his head and says, "Let me see that map again..."

    2009/08/02 00:51 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 233 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochi coo?" asks his wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.... The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie. But the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hoer's de devours, poochi poo?" she coos. She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours - chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc... "But sweet honey, at the bar, you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that," he meekly replies. She replies, "You want dirty words cutie pie? Here drink your fucking beer in your fucking frozen glass and eat your fucking shit hoer's de vours, because you aren't going anywhere, you fucking asshole!!"

    2009/08/02 00:51 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 234 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that... Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So this is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. Section 1.02. I will never ask for more foreplay. Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia. Section 3.01. I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom. Section 3.02. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Section 4.01. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname. Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. Section 5.01. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy. Section 5.03. I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar. Section 5.04. I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will always love your weekend beard... Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men." Section 7. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical. Section 7.01. With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets. Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract. Signed _____________________________(female) Date _______________________________

    2009/08/02 00:51 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 235 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain." The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now." The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"

    2009/08/02 00:51 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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