Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem. 'Come on Liz, admit it,' he ranted, 'You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn't you?' 'You really are silly, Paul,' retorted Liz loudly, 'I couldn't care less who left it to you.'
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
Jerry Seinfeld Quotes: I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance youll wind up naked. You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here." Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel." Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"? People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. I have a friend whos collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. Hes down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, Im sure theyd give him a raise. To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the top of the box. Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye." Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them. What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later." You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each. You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles." Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them." I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
More Homer Simpson Quotes: Operator! Give me the number for 911! Oh, so they have internet on computers now! Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do? You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons. Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws! When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such. I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell? Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. Homer no function beer well without. I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay] Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You-are-gay.' All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals. Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless. But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, 'You must be a dentist.' The guy, surprised, says 'Yes....how did you figure that out?' 'Easy,' she replied, 'you keep washing your hands.' One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, 'You must be a really good dentist.' The guy, now with a boosted ego says, 'Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?' 'Didn't feel a thing!'
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