Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Madonna All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. Henry Youngman To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.' I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?' Judy Tenuta Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. Jean Kerr Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. Tim Allen I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags. Gwyneth Paltrow
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Mel Gibson I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. David Niven One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both. Samuel Butler
On a beautiful deserted island, in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later, the situation is as follows: One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trios. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The Bulgarian men, after taking one look at the Bulgarian woman, have started swimming. The two English men are still waiting for someone to come by and formally introduce them to the English woman. The Irish men began by dividing the island into North and South. They then quickly set up a high-volume distillery. Because they get sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey -- causing their manhood to become quite limp -- sex never becomes a fighting issue... Anyway, they are quite satisfied knowing that at least the English men are not getting any. The American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own temple; the true nature of modern feminism; how she can do everything that they can do; about the necessity for her personal fulfilment; the equal division of all household chores; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer; and how her relationship with her mother is improving. The two American men are contemplating suicide.
These are actual answers on a McDonalds application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kids gonna go far NAME: Greg Bulmash. SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Companys President or Vice President. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than Im worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs? HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries. What'd You Think?
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, Tell me Janice, who created the universe? When Janice didnt stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. God Almighty! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good and Janice fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Janice, Who is our Lord and Saviour. But, Janice didnt even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. Jesus Christ! shouted Janice and the teacher said, Very good, and Janice fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, If you stick me with that thing one more time, Ill break it in half and stick it up your ass! the teacher fainted!
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