A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine." The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for?" Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers. He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked, bitch. Naked!"
A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant.'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet'. The service assistant says I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede'. 'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!' The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: 'Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the pub for a beer?'The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again. Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey centipede,how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. 'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'. Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the centipede. 'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself. 'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a beer?' The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'For fuck's sake man, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my boots on!!
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York Cityrestaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmenseated there are furiously masturbating.She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We areall berry hungry."The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off inthe middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"One of the other Japanese men replies,"The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station, along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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