One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
A true story:Harry,Doug and Larry were working for the council pot holeing a road in the country,Doug drove the old Bedford truck while Harry and Larry walked behind and shoveled gravel into the holes on the road,Chatting away about all sorts of things quite a lot of bullshit too we imagine. Next thing Harry says Gee ive got to have a shit,So its hang on Doug,and Harry disapears up behind a log in the scrub on the side of the road. Now the log rose slightly up off the ground and Larry could see Harry`s bare arse appear under the log,So Larry being a bit of a character Sneaks up real quietly and slides his shovel under the log and under Harry`s arse,then sneaks off with his shit!When Harry finished his shit and turned around it was Gone!Totally Bewildered he went back to the truck telling the others that he could have sworn he dropped a shit but when he looked around it was Gone.Doug and Larry never ever let on what Larry did and told the story to many whom has split their sides laughing with tears in their eyes.Blokes have always said that it would have worried Harry if Larry could have thrown some rabbit guts in under Harrys arse!
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1311 » Political jokes
