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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - * - 1 » 12:43 29 Fri Mar 2024

Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor

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  • 91 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    1. FINE This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. 2. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade. 3. NOTHING This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 6. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". 7. SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 8. OH This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. 9. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 10. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". 11. THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome. 12. THANKS A LOT This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

    2009/08/02 00:47 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 92 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. 2. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 3. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. 4. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. 5. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. 6. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen. 7. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. 8. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. 9. LATIN WOMAN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

    2009/08/02 00:47 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 93 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    What Does Love Mean? 1. "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8 2. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4 3. "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5 4. "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6 5. "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4 6. "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7 7. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8 8. "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 7 9. "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet) 10. "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7 11. "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6 12. "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared.looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8 13. "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6 14. "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5 15. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7 16. "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4 17. "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4 18. "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) Karen - age 7 19. "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8 20. Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

    2009/08/02 00:47 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 94 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    True Stories Told on Insurance Forms 1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention. 3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. 4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7. The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. 8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. 9. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole. 10. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 11. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. 18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. 20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21. In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 22. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs. 23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

    2009/08/02 00:47 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 95 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

    2009/08/02 00:47 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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