A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked. Theyre mating, her father replied. What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? she asked. Thats a daddy longlegs. her father answered. So, the other one is a mommy longlegs? the little girl asked. No, her father replied. Both of them are daddy longlegs. The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, were not having that sort of shit in our garden.
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, How much? He doesnt hear her correctly and says Come again? She giggles and says Noits just mustard this time.
A guy walks into a bar and sees another guy sitting with a ferret. The guy seems to be stroking it rather lovingly. The first guy asks him, Why are you stroking that ferret? He replies, Well my friend, the ferret gives the best head in the world. Bullshit, theres no way a ferret can do that. Go try yourself. So the first guy takes the ferret and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes pass and suddenly theres banging and moaning and screaming coming from the bathroom. The first guy comes out, stroking the ferret lovingly and looks at the second guy. I will give you $500, no $1000, for this ferret. The second guy thinks about it for a little while and then nods. Alright, a thousand dollars it is. The first guy pays the second guy and takes the ferret home. He places it on the table in front of his wife and tells her the story. She looks at him in amazement, What am I supposed to do with a $1000 ferret? Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!
An old man marries a young woman, and though theyre in love, the wife cant achieve an orgasm. They ask a psychiatrist for advice. He says, Hire a strapping young man. While youre making love, have him wave a towel over your bodies. The couples desperate, so they hire a male escort to wave a towel. But despite a lengthy lovemaking session, the wife still cant get off. Willing to try anything, the husband and the strapping young stallion switch positions. The guy goes to work, and the wife quickly has an earthshaking orgasm. The husband smiles and says triumphantly, You see, young fella? Thats how you wave a towel!
A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now shes angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, dont do it." "Shut up," she says. "Youre next."
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