10. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare. 9. You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 8. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling. 7. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy. 6. You create an on-going email dialog with your computer at home. 5. No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan it and enhance it using Photoshop. 4. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now only require a single can of coke to belch the names of all seven dwarves. 3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. 2. The 18-hole 3 par mini-golf course in your office. 1. The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push pin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
Work processing skills essential There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future Salary range $24,000- $32,000 The salary is $24,000 Civil service This job was filled from the inside six months ago Women and minorities encouraged White males need not waste the stamp to apply Top-notch communications skills Telemarketing Salary negotiable We'll take the lowest bidder Advancement opportunity Crappy job Entry level Really a crappy job No experience necessary The mother of all crap jobs Administrative assistant: Crap job with a title. Ground floor opportunity: Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year. Progressive company: Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday. Team player: Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities. Upbeat personality: Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year. Public relations: Receptionist Professional appearance important: $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe Pleasant telephone manner: Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME Jeans job! Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions. Will train: Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem. B.A. required, master's preferred: Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary Outstanding benefits package: Health insurance. Tons of variety! We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job. Beautiful offices in attractive location: Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting. Secretary: Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker. Executive secretary: The most powerful position in the company Dedicated: You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement. Salary commensurate: We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like. Competitive salary: We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more. Competitive starting salary: Ten cents above minimum wage. Pleasant atmosphere: A staff of pod people. Professional atmosphere: Zombie pod people. Fun, creative atmosphere: Pod people from hell. Dynamic atmosphere: Zombie pod people from hell. Gal Friday: Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it. Self-starter: Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what
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