One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man. "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!" "Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. "Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner answered, "No." "Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." "Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
A father was scolding his young son for not doing his homework. "If I had a computer, it would be so much easier," said the son. "You don't need a computer," replied the father. "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he studied by candlelight in a log cabin." "And when he was your age," the son replied, "He was President of the United States!"
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my butt!"
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