A young lawyer, in the process of opening a new private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. Upon seeing a man enter the lobby of his office, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, "Eight hundred thousand dollars? You're kidding me. You're going to have to do better than that. Our bottom line for settlement is a million. Don't waste my time with anything less." Slamming down the phone, he then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A physician, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon announced, "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine." The lawyer smirked, and said, "Who do you think created the chaos?"
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man. "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!" "Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo. They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."
An attorney, cross-examining the local coroner, queried, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. "Well, then, did you listen for a heart beat?" The coroner answered, "No." "Did you check for respiration? Breathing?", asked the attorney. Again the coroner replied, "No." "Ah," the attorney said, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner rolled his eyes, and shot back "Counselor, at the time I signed the death certificate the man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point. For all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
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