10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. 9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December. 12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car. 13. I will share everything I eat with my master. 14. I will allow my master on the couch. 15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times. 16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things. 17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it. 18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog. 19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master. 20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar." 21. I will not cut my master's nails. 22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master. 23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work". 24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work. 25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command. 26. I will not bring home any more cats. 27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business. 28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master. 29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it. 30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier. 31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet. 32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle. 33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice. 34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters. 35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient. 36. Dog bladders are not large. 37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects. 38. I will not run out of treats. 39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master. 40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats. 41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit. 42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master. 43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master. 44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language. 45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing. 46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really. 47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore. 48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them. 49. I will always carry cookies and treats. 50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master. 51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there. 52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning. 53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair". 54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard. 55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy. 9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends. 10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands. 11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman. 12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding. 13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly. 14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly. 15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly. 16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me. 17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.' 18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either. 19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction. 20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say: Here honey, you use the remote. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see! While I'm up, can I get you anything? Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me? Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes? Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on. We never talk anymore.
Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say What do you mean today's our anniversary? Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!! And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
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