Bob and his wife live in Toledo, Ohio. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through? With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
This one is a little different. . .Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals! OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself! Read modern version below: MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.' Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We s h all overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that the President appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "
* Free dinners. * You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact. * Speeding ticket? What's that? * You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports. * If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being. * A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. * In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned. * If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud. * If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling. * If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup. * If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser. * You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. * Brad Pitt. * You don't have to fart to amuse yourself. * You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers. * When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out. * If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with him. * If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with him. * If you don't shave, no one will know. * If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. * You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in. * You can dress yourself. * Your hair is yours to keep. * If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic. * You don't have to pretend to like cigars. * You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything. * If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot. * You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV. * You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings. * If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty. * Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need. * Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth. * When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing. * Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems. * If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it. * You'll never regret piercing your ears. * You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes. * You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra. * You don't have hair on your back. * If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants. * You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. * If you have big ears, no one has to know. * You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny. * You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.
* We got off the Titanic first. * We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses. * Taxis stop for us. * We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. * No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. * We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. * If we forget to shave, no one has to know. * We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. * We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. * We have the ability to dress ourselves. * We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. * If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. * There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. * We'll never regret piercing our ears. * We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. * We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
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