, the undersigned, agree that: 1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass. 2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny". 3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost. 4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that I have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter. 5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot. 6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep. 7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick". 8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning. 9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity. 10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men". 11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course. Signed ____________________________________
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do." The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want... and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
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