A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate."I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?""I should let you know first that I am a policeman.""That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong."The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.""You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.""That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children."Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see."For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.""And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.""So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver."Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"The woman replied: "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!I almost had an accident!I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied: -"Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says: "Next!" He asks the first nun: "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?" The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..." St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in. Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?" The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen..." "Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in. Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..." Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!" "Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with...""Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!" "NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"