A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."