A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, 'This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.' The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. 'What's so funny?' asks the clerk. 'I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house.' the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, 'Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.' The man takes another look through the scope and says, 'You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!'
One cucumber was telling another 'my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.' The other cucumber said 'yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.' A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, 'my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups until I puke.'
5 Kinds Of Sex 1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honey-moon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, 'Fuck you!' 5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
A blonde goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says 'OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member'. After that, the blonde immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, 'Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth.'