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Funny Jokes: Clean Comic Humor - Best and Different - 1 » 15:23 29 Fri Mar 2024

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  • 256 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant." "But you are not wearing any of those nice things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I want that bitch to go absolutely nuts looking for the jewelry."

    2009/08/02 00:52 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 257 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room. LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids. LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything. LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings. LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around. MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - When you only see each other naked. MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake. LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score. LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and croissants. LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms. MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed to.

    2009/08/02 00:52 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 258 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    1950 Home Economics The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. 3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. 4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. 7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind. 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax. 10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax. Now the updated version for the '90s woman. 1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood. 2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (Don't forget to use his credit card!) 3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage. 4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo video games. After all, both of them are from his previous marriages. 5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked. 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner; simply remind him that the leftovers are in the refrigerator and you left the dishes for him to do. 7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care. 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word. 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). 10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

    2009/08/02 00:52 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 259 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!--Anonymous An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. --Agatha Christie Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. --Anonymous Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. --H. L. Mencken The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. --Anonymous When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new. --Anonymous When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's finished. --Anonymous

    2009/08/02 00:52 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

  • 260 » Best and Different Funny Jokes, Comic & Humor


    Bill and Hillary were married 30 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

    2009/08/02 00:52 - Sunday » jokes, dirty jokes, clean jokes, humor, comic

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