There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow said, "I'll tell you -- just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
A guy comes outta a bar one night and theres a cop sitting in the parking lot. The guy staggers a bit, fals down the stairs, gets up and walks over to his bike, gets on and tries to start it. The bike won't start and he realizes it isn't his bike afterall. He gets off it walks over gets on another one and tries to start it, nope not his either. He goes over to another one gets on and starts it up, and passes out. A bunch of his buddies and others from the bar start to leave, laugh as they pass the guy passed out on his bike. A few minutes later he wakes up and leaves the parking lot. Next thing theres sirens and lights and he's being pulled over by the cop from the parking lot. The cop tells him to get off his bike, so he does. The cop tells him to walk the yellow line and he does perfectly. The cop then gives him a breathalizer and it comes up zero. The cop looks at him and says, "Okay, I saw you come out staggering all over, fall down the stairs and get on the wrong bike 3 times and then pass out! How can you walk the line with no problems and blow a zero?" The guy replies, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?" But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it." The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son." The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver sits down next to him, grabs his drink, an gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after it left, I discovered I'd left my wallet on the back seat. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my miserable life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!
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