A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
Bill Gates dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter says, "Well, you've done a lot of bad things in your life, but you've done some good things too, so I'm going to let you take a look at both heaven and hell, and pick which one you want to go to." Bill thinks this is fair, and takes a look around heaven. He sees a lot of people in white gowns playing harps and floating around, but it looks rather boring. He looks down at hell, and sees people laughing, drinking, smoking and partying down. "I'll go to hell," Bill says, and instantly he is whisked away into hell, where he is immersed in a vat of boiling oil as flames and smoke fill the air. "What happened to all that fun I saw people having?" Bill asks, shocked. St. Peter looks down and says, "Oh, you must have seen the demo version."
In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.
Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants, and he will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "I feel his pain! I don't think so." The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "Not for me." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically. "Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
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